


Tender Russian Phrases with Duolingo; Or, how Sidney Crosby didn't really learn Russian

by fallencrest



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Duolingo is the worst language teacher, Fluff, Languages and Linguistics, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-18
Updated: 2016-10-18
Packaged: 2018-08-23 06:47:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8317915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallencrest/pseuds/fallencrest
Summary: When Sid is determined, he can achieve just about anything. Just probably not learning Russian via Duolingo because that app is ridiculous. Luckily, he has both help and motivation because there's something he really wants to say to Geno someday.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is a gift for one of the most wonderful people in my life. I would never have believed when I met her that 11 years later we would still be messaging every day and that we would be in ICE HOCKEY FANDOM together. Congrats on a one-year Snapchat streak and I love you!
> 
>  **Formatting note** : I've tried to include all the Russian phrases I use both in Cyrillic and terrible Google-sourced phonetic versions. I've also provided translations. I've not always followed the same format for this because I wanted the fic to read smoothly - big apologies if it doesn't. All Russian translations, etc, are provided as scrollover annotations. Let me know if this doesn't work in all browsers and I'll add a glossary in the end note. There are also some links in the fic to other online sources of Russian and Duolingo phrases which I have enjoyed in my personal Russian-learning quest (see the end note).
> 
>  **Disclaimer** : I do not speak Russian. Not even a little bit. All Russian mistakes are my own but possibly ultimately attributable to Duolingo/Google Translate. All but one phrase in Russian in this fic is included in the early levels of the Duolingo Russian course. Corrections welcomed.

Flower finds Sid in the trainers' room, frowning down at his phone as though it bears significantly bad news.

"What's happening?" he asks, his own forehead creasing in concern as he looks at Sid, noting Sid's hunched posture and clear annoyance.

"It's nothing," Sid says, still frowning, "this is just really hard." 

And, ah, Flower thinks, looking a little closer now. This isn't Sid defeated but something altogether more familiar: Sid pig-headedly determined to succeed.

"What is?" Flower asks.

“This stupid app,” Sid replies, holding out his phone. “It keeps giving me weird phrases and it never actually tells you why the freaky 'A' thing sounds like a 'd'.”

The phone shows a white and green screen which says 'Translate this sentence' followed by - "Is that _Russian_?" Flower asks.

"Yeah, I thought it would be good for the team to learn a little, you know..."

"You mean good for Geno?"

Sid's expression remains that of a stubbornly defensive child and he doesn't answer, so Flower looks back at the phone and says "So, what does it say?"

"Umm," Sid says, taking the phone back and tapping each word in turn. A robotic female voice to reads out the phrase word-by-word as a little box pops up underneath with an English translation. "Bears eat everything?" Sid says, sounding uncertain.

"Weird. Why did it teach you that?"

"I..." Sid says, "I don't know. It's weird. Yesterday, it tried to teach me how to say that my backpack is on the subway, too."

"That's useful though, maybe? If you left your backpack on the subway...” Flower says, considering, “But when are you going to talk to Geno about bears?"

Sid breaks into a little smile then. "I don't know. Maybe he'll send us a picture of one some day." 

They sit there for a minute, grinning at each other as if they're both remembering the dolphin and the lion and the countless other weird animals Geno's been photographed with. Then Sid looks down at his phone, taps through to the next phrase and says, "Do bears drink milk?"

"Maybe in Russia they do. Ask Geno!” Flower says, “In Russian." Then he winks and Sid wants to say that the app didn't teach him how to ask questions yet but he refrains because, really, he knows that isn't the point. 

 

*

[“Tim is a dog, he does not understand Russian.”](http://wtfduolingo.tumblr.com/post/148937478293/image-transcription-tim-is-a-dog-he-does-not)

*

 

He thought it would be fun at first. 

The first lesson was called “alphabet” but mostly it just made him translate “Tim, this is Tom” first from Russian to English (easy) then clunkily the other way around using a Cyrillic keyboard he'd had to install specially. 

His first judgement is that no language should need to have so many different letters that look like 'n's or so many 'e's. Also, he's pretty sure that Tim and Tom are not actually Russian names. Then it teaches him how to write “Dad, this is not my motor” and he almost gives up. 

He has to go through three separate sets of lessons before it teaches him to say 'hello' and he has to use google to work out why it teaches him two different words. (One of them is so long there's no way he's going to remember it and but, luckily, that's the formal one, and he doesn't actually think Geno would mind him being familiar.)

He does practically give up at one point and decide to use google instead but [the website he finds through google](http://www.meighan.net/alexander/Chapter4.htm) thinks he should tell Geno things like “we feel so good together, let's make a family” and he goes to close that browser tab so fast he ends up miss-clicking and opening two more.

He hadn't thought learning Russian would be easy but he hadn't considered that learning one or two key phrases could be this difficult either. 

 

*

[“Real ducks live in the house.”](http://wtfduolingo.tumblr.com/post/146206222194/genuine-100-authentic-ducks-image)

*

 

Sid is in the breakout space next to the breakfast bar ignoring his PB&J in favour of his phone. This wouldn't be so weird if there wasn't a voice coming from the phone monotonously repeating “давай поженимся”. Gonch considers himself used to Sid's strange rituals by now but this one is new and _surprising_.

It's early; no one else has shown up for practice yet. Gonch had been planning to grab a coffee and go back over the drills he's designed specifically to get Dumo to work on his neutral zone coverage but he doesn't think he can really pretend he hasn't heard it and just walk away.

He goes to the coffee maker, sticking to the plan and keeping his voice light as he says “Hey Sid.”

Sid says “Oh. Hi,” face tense and serious like he's working up an explanation because he's realised that Gonch is there and Gonch is not likely to have missed the import of what he's doing. 

“Learning Russian?” Gonch asks, neutrally, because he can't pretend he hadn't noticed.

“Um,” Sid says, stalling, “yeah. I— I've been using this app but it keeps teaching me weird things and it's really hard to learn because I still don't understand the alphabet.”

“You want help?” Gonch asks, stirring his coffee and heading over to Sid's table. “These days they say I'm a good coach.”

Sid smiles, “Okay but I'm bad, worse than at French even.” 

Gonch smiles back, “Russian is hard, lots of new sounds. What do you want to learn?” 

When Sid doesn't answer right away, Gonch says “What were you practising now? We can try that.”

“Well, that's...” Sid says, like he's trying to find a way to explain it, but then he just pushes the audio button again and it plays it out, robotically, again. _Let's get married._

Gonch could ask what kind of app teaches this to Russian beginners but he can see the flush in Sid's cheeks, clearly indicating his embarrassment, and decides it's better not to ask. Just like he didn't ask why Sid was learning Russian in the first place – it's not as though he doesn't know, as though it isn't silently obvious to everyone. 

“давай is easy,” Gonch says, “'да' is like 'yes', you can say that, yes?” 

Sid nods and repeats it. His vowel sound is a little short, so they run it back and forth, Gonch teasing the longer 'a' out and then smiling saying “Good, very good. And вай is not so bad. They write it with a 'j' in English here” he says, pointing down at the phonetic spelling on Sid's phone screen, “but is vowel sound. 'давай'.” 

Sid repeats it. 

“Yes, very good.” 

Sid says it again, frowning in concentration and Gonch smiles. He is not a natural, does not sound very Russian but he thinks only an idiot could misunderstand and he knows Geno won't.

“поженимся is harder. Longer word. Lots of sounds. 'по' is okay, sounds are like English mostly. женимся is,” Gonch smiles, “almost like Geno, like Женя.” 

Sid frowns, like he doesn't understand. 

“Zhenya is pet name for Evgeni in Russian, it's what friends say— or family.” Sid's expression is half recognition and half concern, like he maybe heard Geno's parents call him that but never understood why. “Call him Zhenya one day, maybe he will like it.” 

“Женя,” Sid says and Gonch smiles, repeats it back with him a few times.

“I think I picked bad example if you did not know before how to say 'Женя' but it's close, Жен is the same, then you say 'м' and 'ся' not just 'я'. Maybe confusing though. 'поженимся'”

“Поженимся” Sid repeats.

“давай поженимся.” 

Sid's repetition is hesitant this time but he tries to sound out each syllable clearly and Gonch echoes him, slower. 

The last time through Gonch embellishes, adds “давай поженимся, Женя” and Sid falters but repeats it and they share a smile, neither of them quite willing to acknowledge their shared understanding. 

“It's good. Russian is very different from English but you can learn and asking me is always okay. Хорошо, you know.”

Sid smiles, says “Спасибо.” 

“Пожалуйста, Sid,” Gonch replies. 

 

*

[“Is it coffee or borscht?”](http://shit-duolingo-says.tumblr.com/post/134450368845/problydrunk-shit-duolingo-says-because-its-so)

*

 

Sid is used to waiting for Geno to get ready for practice by now. He takes a seat on the sofa and gets out his phone, idly trying to decide what to do. He opens Duolingo without really thinking about it and loads up the next lesson. 

He's finishing tapping out a translation of the phrase “my mom does not like loud music” when Geno finally appears from upstairs. 

Sid looks up at him and smiles, says “Hey.” 

“Hey Sid,” Geno says, “Ready?”

“Yeah, one second,” and he hits submit on his just-completed phrase. 

His phone makes a happy little sound indicating that his answer is correct.

“Sid playing game?” Geno asks, clearly curious, knowing that Sid isn't normally one for wasting time. 

Then the app rolls on to its next sentence, intoning in its usual robotic voice “Девушка очень тихо.”

“Sid playing Russian game?” Geno asks, forehead wrinkling and mouth half open in a sort of amused indignation. 

“It's a language learning app.” Sid says, “For learning Russian.”

“Why Sid learning Russian?” 

“Umm,” Sid says, stalling a little as he gets up off the sofa, puts his phone away in his pocket. “I thought it would be useful. Your English is getting good but I thought I should at least try... And there are things I want to say to you, one day. I thought I could say them in Russian.”

“That's cute, Sid,” Geno says, and he's grinning. “Is cute secret for Sid to have. Sid learning Russian.” He puts his arm around Sid's shoulder, adds “You want to practice in car to rink?”

“No. I mean, I'm not ready yet.”

“Sid always ready.” Geno says, “It's okay if make mistakes. Like my English.” He sees Sid's reluctance, “Or can wait. It's okay. I know Sid always want to be best.”

Sid smiles. He finds sometimes that there are so many things he wants to say to Geno, so many ways he wants to express how much it means to him that Geno is himself and that Geno has become such an important part of his life. The brilliant thing about Geno though is that he almost never needs Sid to actually say it. He has fit so easily into Sid's life as though he'd always been there and Sid can't imagine going back to not having him around. 

“Thank you,” Sid says, and he buries his face in Geno's shoulder as he adds, more quietly, “Zhenya.”

Geno pulls Sid in closer, a hug that lasts a few long moments before Geno says “Will make you say that again later. Can practice Russian that way.” 

Sid smiles as Geno lets go of him and half pushes him toward the door. 

“If late, will say it Sid's fault.”

“No fair,” Sid says, but they're both smiling as they get into the car and Sid thinks he doesn't want to make Geno wait too long.

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, this fic happened because a hockey-playing Russian proposed to me as a joke and I wanted to retaliate in Russian, despite speaking no Russian whatsoever. I was really hoping Duolingo would have a 'Flirting' bonus level like the one for French. It doesn't. So, I settled for letting it teach me nonsense phrases and then doing all the things Sid does in this fic on the side. I have not yet spoken a single word of Russian to my hockey Russian — but I do now have his phone number. I will try to judiciously throw out a marriage proposal at a time when it'll make him do a spittake. Unfortunately, my helmet does not have a GoPro attached so I can't record it for you. You'll just have to imagine.
> 
> Also, I actually do love Duolingo.


End file.
